Sunday, February 25, 2018

Shadow boxing

I struggled today b/c the guy I was seeing blocked me on social media.  This is directly b/c I get overwhelmed by my anxiety which makes me message and reach out constantly.  That pushed him away.  I was grappling with it for a bout a week, and today he had reached his limit and blocked me.  I've never been ignored like that before. It's tough and feeds my negative self talk.  My friend Christina and I were talking about it, and she says that depression has been my life long friend. What happens is that my anxiety acts up and I react by doing something I know is not right for me, such as constantly messaging someone I'm no longer dating under the guise of friendship.  Then, the expected happens.  He either doesn't respond or he's finally pushed to the point of blocking me out right.  Then the depression is fat and happy b/c it just got it's daily meal of negative self speak.  

Have you ever seen the spiderman movie where he wrestles with an alien lifeform that tries to bond with him?  It bonds with spiderman and becomes a new form of villain called Venom.  This scene that I'm linking to here shows his struggle against the living organism.  No matter how hard he pulls, it is burrowing and connecting with Spiderman constantly.

She was saying this is my depression. It's so interwoven in my thoughts that I don't know anymore what is the voice of depression vs the voice of Rebecca.  So, I have to challenge every thought.  It reminded me of CBT but I love her analogy of if it's woven within my thought process, so I have to sort carefully.  She reminded me that I have good instincts.  I just overlook those instincts once anxiety and depression start whistling their tunes.  I act on those thoughts even though the teeny tiny voice deep inside says, "'s not a good idea for you and for your happiness."  Instead the booming voice of anxiety says, "YOU FUCKED UP! YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE. FIX IT. MAKE IT RIGHT.  TAKE CONTROL.  KEEP TALKING. KEEP PUSHING.  IF YOU SAY IT ENOUGH HE'LL BELIEVE YOU AND RETURN TO YOU."   While the squeeky voice inside says, "but, you don't really want him to return.  He's not your match."

I feel as if I'm rambling, so I hope this is making sense.  It was a long and very interesting conversation I had with her today. So, I wanted to get some of it "out".  

So, while my anxiety has been shooting through the roof periodically, I feel more capable of separating which thoughts to challenge.  This is an interesting shift for me.  When you and I discussed CBT, I was a little worn out at the idea.  But, I now realize that's b/c it truly is the depression and anxiety trying to speak the loudest and when any challenge I make to my thoughts.  What I mean is that if I tried to challenge the validity of a thought, I would end up in a long rehashing of what I did and why I did what I did...ending with the thought of, "man, I screwed that up. I'll have to do better next time."   In effect negating my emotional experience, criticizing myself, and strengthening my low self esteem.  That in turn allows me to wallow and feel sad, which is a safe, long time companion of mine.  That's a tricky little mind fuck that I was kind of aware of, but I still didn't see it clearly until I directly attributed that to the depression trying to stay alive and fully fed.  

I'm curious to see what the next few days bring for me. I'm going to focus on my daily meditation.  And when the anxiety pops up, I suddenly feel clearer about what thoughts to challenge.  I'm almost excited to see what happens from here!  


Sunday, December 03, 2017

My how things never change

I was dumped recently. It took me by surprise, and I was crushed, to be honest.  I accepted that this relationship probably wasn't going to last, but man did I want it to last. I really liked him even as I felt insecure while simultaneously feeling out of his league. It was a bizarre mix of feelings.  Anyway, I'm a clinger and a wallower. I don't move on quickly or easily. I linger in the past and wail about what happened.  What was fascinating to me was the similarities of how I feel now and how I felt about Patrick.  I wrote a post recently about my inability to let go, which I will post below. I then saw the post from October 2014 and realized that I could've written that very post in November 2017.  Nothing has changed in my mental state except that name that I'm clinging to.  It was eye opening to see that.  I'm not sure how to fix it. I know that awareness helps.  I feel like I'm in the fight of my life right now. I somehow have to retrain 40 years of negative thinking on my part by using the very brain that is wallowing in the muddy thoughts. 

Letting go (11/23/2017):
I have a terrible pattern of clinging to the past. I linger and dwell on things that can't be changed.  I try to convince myself to move on, and yet I retell the story in my head. It's almost an obsession.  Logically, I know I can't change the past. I know the relationship is over, and yet I analyze and evaluate in hopes of finding a solution of sorts.  However, my analysis usually results in me suppressing some aspect of my personality in hopes of that fixing things. It's ridiculous.  In an attempt to keep my sanity this time, I'm trying different tactics.  First up, a cleansing ritual.  I don't know if I buy into the full idea of the ritual. However, the act of meditating and then writing about what I wish to release, I do believe to be powerful.  The action of writing down the things that are keeping me from moving forward in life make me more aware of what I need to let go.  I followed the steps outlined on the website below. I found the meditation to be truly beneficial as well as the ritual of writing down and releasing the old thoughts and patterns that are holding me in the past.  I have done it about 3 days now, and I'm a fan. I will likely continue doing this weekly until I start to feel lighter and more open to the reality of the present moment.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

It Felt Love - Hafiz

It Felt Love

Did the rose
Ever open its heart

And give to this world
All its

It felt the encouragement of light
Against its

We all remain



When You Come - Maya Angelou

When you come to me, unbidden,
Beckoning me
To long-ago rooms,
Where memories lie.
Offering me, as to a child, an attic,
Gatherings of days too few.
Baubles of stolen kisses.
Trinkets of borrowed loves.
Trunks of secret words,


I'm apparently a very dense person.  You should believe someone's words and actions, right? I seem to ignore what is being said and hold onto hope that Patrick will change his mind and come back to me.  I'm not sure why I linger.  Do I fear moving on? Do I fear letting go? There's no safety net and I'm fearful of the fall.  I've lingered for 4 years trying to "make it work", but it hasn't; it doesn't; it won't.

What I needed from Patrick, he wasn't capable of giving me until after we'd broken up.  By then, he'd moved on physically but was still holding on to me emotionally.  We held on to each other.  I needed to process his moving on though.  I didn't do this fast enough for him.

My error was being too patient through the years, I guess. I felt I had time.  I supported him while he was sick. I waited for him, and and during that time he decided to try looking for someone new behind my back.  Then he was very mean to me in January and dumped me.  Didn't tell me he was dating someone new.  I found out the worst way possible - suddenly I couldn't view his profile on fb.  He hid things from me and that's how I found out he took a trip to LA with another girl.  This was the first time I knew he was even seeing someone.

I deserve better than this. I deserve more effort than this.  9 months later, they are done.  So, what do I do but look at him with hope in my eyes and my heart on my sleeve.  Of course, it's too soon for him.  He's mourning a relationship.

But, what the hell am I doing anyway? He's rejected me again and again, and I keep standing here expecting something different to happen.

It's sad b/c I think he and I could've worked very well together.  We did work well together.

I struggle to accept that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, and yet that's the reality.

Why don't I want more for myself?  That's one thing I don't understand.  I know, logically, that I deserve much better treatment, and yet I'm not allowing myself to move on and look for something better, something loving, something nurturing. 

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Your mother and my mother by Hafiz

fear is the cheapest room in the house.
i would like to see you living
in better conditions.

for your mother and my mother
were friends.

i know the innkeeper
in this part of the universe.
get some rest tonight,
come to my verse again tomorrow.
we'll go speak to the Friend together.

i should not make any promises right now,
but i know if you
somewhere in this world -
something good will happen.

god wants to see
more love and playfulness in your eyes
for that is your greatest witness to him.

your soul and my soul
once sat together in the Beloved's womb
playing footsie.

your heart and my heart
are very, very old

Saturday, January 04, 2014

Thoughts on sadness

I don't know how to process sadness. There was a time I let it flow over and through me. I didn't fight it, and I experienced the rawness of it. Now, I feel so frightened and lost. I attempt to reject the sadness, which just deepens its depths. I'm not sure how to find my footing again.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Accents - "ya'll shure dew talk foeny"

Everyone has one and yet I see reactions to accents ranging from disgust/disdain to amusement and adoration. Do you have an accent? You must. Everyone has one. Even an "non-accent" is, in itself, a sort of accent by which others are measured. Coming from the South of the United States, I used to be hyper aware and self conscious of having a "southern twang". I lived in Alabama for many years and honed my twang quite well. I have a tendency to mimic those around me to blend in, so, I picked up the accent quickly. I then moved back to Louisiana and was embarrassed by said accent. I quickly suppressed it, as best I could. It still popped out if I was tired or had a few drinks.

I've been told that Baton Rouge doesn't have much of accent -- meaning it sounds someone void of a twang a la the midwest accent. New Orleans, of course, has that wonderful "y'at" accent which is reminiscent of the northern states such as New Jersey. Of course, one of the most famous US accents comes from Boston. I realized that my european friends don't really hear these accents in english, which just increased my curiosity about this whole topic.
Cajun Accent
Boston Accent
Various Accents in English

Once I was able to get over the stigma of "southern accent = ignorance", I began to embrace the idea of having an accent. By this time, I evened out the twang so well that my accent leads people to believe I'm from Ohio. So, I have to say I'm a bit sad that I've lost my "southern drawl".

Now I'm living in Paris and trying to learn a completely different language. I was taking a french course and the instructor played an audio tape of an interview with a Canadian. She warned us that the accent was very strong and to listen carefully. I listened and felt that I could understand the Quebecois much more easily than the Parisians. The cadence was similar to english and they pronounce french words how I would. I just didn't really hear the accent, at all.

This idea of an accent in another language fascinated me, and I've been thinking about it for 2 years now. I want to be able to hear accents in french. How a Brit, a German, an American, or a Russian would sound speaking french. But, that was beyond my abilities. My ear could not distinguish between the words "pen" and "pin" in english. So, I was sort of out of luck.

Well, after 2 years of listening to French being spoken by Parisians and native French speakers, I decided to listen again to the Quebecois accent. Holy Cow!! What an accent! lol. I definitely hear it now, and I LOVE it!! Check it out here:

The young woman is from Canada. The man is not a native french speaker. I can tell this from his accent, but I do not know where he is from or what his native language is. I'm slowly picking up accents in another language, but I'm not to that point.

The most interesting thing to me was hearing her pronounce words and I immediately thought of cajun french. I can hear the influence that cajun french has from Canadian french. This is just fascinating to me!