Saturday, October 18, 2014

It Felt Love - Hafiz

It Felt Love

How
Did the rose
Ever open its heart

And give to this world
All its
Beauty?

It felt the encouragement of light
Against its
Being,

Otherwise,
We all remain

Too

Frightened.

When You Come - Maya Angelou

When you come to me, unbidden,
Beckoning me
To long-ago rooms,
Where memories lie.
Offering me, as to a child, an attic,
Gatherings of days too few.
Baubles of stolen kisses.
Trinkets of borrowed loves.
Trunks of secret words,

I CRY.

I'm apparently a very dense person.  You should believe someone's words and actions, right? I seem to ignore what is being said and hold onto hope that Patrick will change his mind and come back to me.  I'm not sure why I linger.  Do I fear moving on? Do I fear letting go? There's no safety net and I'm fearful of the fall.  I've lingered for 4 years trying to "make it work", but it hasn't; it doesn't; it won't.

What I needed from Patrick, he wasn't capable of giving me until after we'd broken up.  By then, he'd moved on physically but was still holding on to me emotionally.  We held on to each other.  I needed to process his moving on though.  I didn't do this fast enough for him.

My error was being too patient through the years, I guess. I felt I had time.  I supported him while he was sick. I waited for him, and and during that time he decided to try looking for someone new behind my back.  Then he was very mean to me in January and dumped me.  Didn't tell me he was dating someone new.  I found out the worst way possible - suddenly I couldn't view his profile on fb.  He hid things from me and that's how I found out he took a trip to LA with another girl.  This was the first time I knew he was even seeing someone.

I deserve better than this. I deserve more effort than this.  9 months later, they are done.  So, what do I do but look at him with hope in my eyes and my heart on my sleeve.  Of course, it's too soon for him.  He's mourning a relationship.

But, what the hell am I doing anyway? He's rejected me again and again, and I keep standing here expecting something different to happen.

It's sad b/c I think he and I could've worked very well together.  We did work well together.

I struggle to accept that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, and yet that's the reality.

Why don't I want more for myself?  That's one thing I don't understand.  I know, logically, that I deserve much better treatment, and yet I'm not allowing myself to move on and look for something better, something loving, something nurturing. 

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Your mother and my mother by Hafiz


fear is the cheapest room in the house.
i would like to see you living
in better conditions.

for your mother and my mother
were friends.

i know the innkeeper
in this part of the universe.
get some rest tonight,
come to my verse again tomorrow.
we'll go speak to the Friend together.

i should not make any promises right now,
but i know if you
pray
somewhere in this world -
something good will happen.

god wants to see
more love and playfulness in your eyes
for that is your greatest witness to him.

your soul and my soul
once sat together in the Beloved's womb
playing footsie.

your heart and my heart
are very, very old
Friends.

Saturday, January 04, 2014

Thoughts on sadness


I don't know how to process sadness. There was a time I let it flow over and through me. I didn't fight it, and I experienced the rawness of it. Now, I feel so frightened and lost. I attempt to reject the sadness, which just deepens its depths. I'm not sure how to find my footing again.

Friday, March 18, 2011

more Dickinson

He fumbles at your spirit
As players at the keys
Before they drop full music on;
He stuns you by degrees,

Prepares your brittle substance
For the ethereal blow,
By fainter hammers, further heard,
Then nearer, then so slow

Your breath has time to straighten,
Your brain to bubble cool, --
Deals one imperial thunderbolt
That scalps your naked soul.

--Emily Dickinson

also, here is a short video I made of Images that I really Love.

Note, that there is no intention for copyright infringement. I have borrowed these images from google image searches. Please contact me, if there is a problem, and I will immediately remove the image/video.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Springtime

It's all I have to bring to-day,
This, and my heart beside,
This, and my heart, and all the fields,
and all the meadows wide.

Be sure to count, should I forget, --
someone the sum could tell, --
This, and my heart, and all the bees
which in clover dwell

--Emily Dickinson (and not the Liz Lemon's cat)

==============================================
Springtime has arrived in Paris. The lunchroom at work is noisier than ever making it more difficult for me to hear people. The trees are blooming. The tourists are swarming Notre Dame. All I can do is put away my winter coat and smile. I love springtime.

Saturday, March 05, 2011

Wretches and Jabberers

I'm interested in watching this documentary about Autism.
Wretches and Jabberers

And here is a song from the soundtrack
One Whole Hour

Wednesday, March 02, 2011