I struggled today b/c the guy I was seeing blocked me on social media. This is directly b/c I get overwhelmed by my anxiety which makes me message and reach out constantly. That pushed him away. I was grappling with it for a bout a week, and today he had reached his limit and blocked me. I've never been ignored like that before. It's tough and feeds my negative self talk. My friend Christina and I were talking about it, and she says that depression has been my life long friend. What happens is that my anxiety acts up and I react by doing something I know is not right for me, such as constantly messaging someone I'm no longer dating under the guise of friendship. Then, the expected happens. He either doesn't respond or he's finally pushed to the point of blocking me out right. Then the depression is fat and happy b/c it just got it's daily meal of negative self speak.
Have you ever seen the spiderman movie where he wrestles with an alien lifeform that tries to bond with him? It bonds with spiderman and becomes a new form of villain called Venom. This scene that I'm linking to here shows his struggle against the living organism. No matter how hard he pulls, it is burrowing and connecting with Spiderman constantly.
She was saying this is my depression. It's so interwoven in my thoughts that I don't know anymore what is the voice of depression vs the voice of Rebecca. So, I have to challenge every thought. It reminded me of CBT but I love her analogy of Venom...as if it's woven within my thought process, so I have to sort carefully. She reminded me that I have good instincts. I just overlook those instincts once anxiety and depression start whistling their tunes. I act on those thoughts even though the teeny tiny voice deep inside says, "but...no...that's not a good idea for you and for your happiness." Instead the booming voice of anxiety says, "YOU FUCKED UP! YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE. FIX IT. MAKE IT RIGHT. TAKE CONTROL. KEEP TALKING. KEEP PUSHING. IF YOU SAY IT ENOUGH HE'LL BELIEVE YOU AND RETURN TO YOU." While the squeeky voice inside says, "but, you don't really want him to return. He's not your match."
I feel as if I'm rambling, so I hope this is making sense. It was a long and very interesting conversation I had with her today. So, I wanted to get some of it "out".
So, while my anxiety has been shooting through the roof periodically, I feel more capable of separating which thoughts to challenge. This is an interesting shift for me. When you and I discussed CBT, I was a little worn out at the idea. But, I now realize that's b/c it truly is the depression and anxiety trying to speak the loudest and when any challenge I make to my thoughts. What I mean is that if I tried to challenge the validity of a thought, I would end up in a long rehashing of what I did and why I did what I did...ending with the thought of, "man, I screwed that up. I'll have to do better next time." In effect negating my emotional experience, criticizing myself, and strengthening my low self esteem. That in turn allows me to wallow and feel sad, which is a safe, long time companion of mine. That's a tricky little mind fuck that I was kind of aware of, but I still didn't see it clearly until I directly attributed that to the depression trying to stay alive and fully fed.
I'm curious to see what the next few days bring for me. I'm going to focus on my daily meditation. And when the anxiety pops up, I suddenly feel clearer about what thoughts to challenge. I'm almost excited to see what happens from here!