I'm apparently a very dense person. You should believe someone's words and actions, right? I seem to ignore what is being said and hold onto hope that Patrick will change his mind and come back to me. I'm not sure why I linger. Do I fear moving on? Do I fear letting go? There's no safety net and I'm fearful of the fall. I've lingered for 4 years trying to "make it work", but it hasn't; it doesn't; it won't.
What I needed from Patrick, he wasn't capable of giving me until after we'd broken up. By then, he'd moved on physically but was still holding on to me emotionally. We held on to each other. I needed to process his moving on though. I didn't do this fast enough for him.
My error was being too patient through the years, I guess. I felt I had time. I supported him while he was sick. I waited for him, and and during that time he decided to try looking for someone new behind my back. Then he was very mean to me in January and dumped me. Didn't tell me he was dating someone new. I found out the worst way possible - suddenly I couldn't view his profile on fb. He hid things from me and that's how I found out he took a trip to LA with another girl. This was the first time I knew he was even seeing someone.
I deserve better than this. I deserve more effort than this. 9 months later, they are done. So, what do I do but look at him with hope in my eyes and my heart on my sleeve. Of course, it's too soon for him. He's mourning a relationship.
But, what the hell am I doing anyway? He's rejected me again and again, and I keep standing here expecting something different to happen.
It's sad b/c I think he and I could've worked very well together. We did work well together.
I struggle to accept that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, and yet that's the reality.
Why don't I want more for myself? That's one thing I don't understand. I know, logically, that I deserve much better treatment, and yet I'm not allowing myself to move on and look for something better, something loving, something nurturing.
I don't know how to process sadness. There was a time I let it flow over and through me. I didn't fight it, and I experienced the rawness of it. Now, I feel so frightened and lost. I attempt to reject the sadness, which just deepens its depths. I'm not sure how to find my footing again.
He fumbles at your spirit As players at the keys Before they drop full music on; He stuns you by degrees,
Prepares your brittle substance For the ethereal blow, By fainter hammers, further heard, Then nearer, then so slow
Your breath has time to straighten, Your brain to bubble cool, -- Deals one imperial thunderbolt That scalps your naked soul.
also, here is a short video I made of Images that I really Love.
Note, that there is no intention for copyright infringement. I have borrowed these images from google image searches. Please contact me, if there is a problem, and I will immediately remove the image/video.
It's all I have to bring to-day, This, and my heart beside, This, and my heart, and all the fields, and all the meadows wide.
Be sure to count, should I forget, -- someone the sum could tell, -- This, and my heart, and all the bees which in clover dwell
--Emily Dickinson (and not the Liz Lemon's cat)
============================================== Springtime has arrived in Paris. The lunchroom at work is noisier than ever making it more difficult for me to hear people. The trees are blooming. The tourists are swarming Notre Dame. All I can do is put away my winter coat and smile. I love springtime.