My how things never change

I was dumped recently. It took me by surprise, and I was crushed, to be honest.  I accepted that this relationship probably wasn't going to last, but man did I want it to last. I really liked him even as I felt insecure while simultaneously feeling out of his league. It was a bizarre mix of feelings.  Anyway, I'm a clinger and a wallower. I don't move on quickly or easily. I linger in the past and wail about what happened.  What was fascinating to me was the similarities of how I feel now and how I felt about Patrick.  I wrote a post recently about my inability to let go, which I will post below. I then saw the post from October 2014 and realized that I could've written that very post in November 2017.  Nothing has changed in my mental state except that name that I'm clinging to.  It was eye opening to see that.  I'm not sure how to fix it. I know that awareness helps.  I feel like I'm in the fight of my life right now. I somehow have to retrain 40 years of negative thinking on my part by using the very brain that is wallowing in the muddy thoughts. 

Letting go (11/23/2017):
I have a terrible pattern of clinging to the past. I linger and dwell on things that can't be changed.  I try to convince myself to move on, and yet I retell the story in my head. It's almost an obsession.  Logically, I know I can't change the past. I know the relationship is over, and yet I analyze and evaluate in hopes of finding a solution of sorts.  However, my analysis usually results in me suppressing some aspect of my personality in hopes of that fixing things. It's ridiculous.  In an attempt to keep my sanity this time, I'm trying different tactics.  First up, a cleansing ritual.  I don't know if I buy into the full idea of the ritual. However, the act of meditating and then writing about what I wish to release, I do believe to be powerful.  The action of writing down the things that are keeping me from moving forward in life make me more aware of what I need to let go.  I followed the steps outlined on the website below. I found the meditation to be truly beneficial as well as the ritual of writing down and releasing the old thoughts and patterns that are holding me in the past.  I have done it about 3 days now, and I'm a fan. I will likely continue doing this weekly until I start to feel lighter and more open to the reality of the present moment.
thegirlwhoknows.com/letting-go-ritual/

When did I become such a prude?

Seriously. Somewhere between age 25 and now, I became a true American puritan. Someone's ancestors would be proud, possibly even mine.

Back in the day, I used to love skinny dipping. I would still jump at the chance to jump into a hot tub or a lake naked. It is just plain fun to swim around without any clothes on.

Well, now I'm in Finland where nudity is apparently "no big deal" or so I have been told. They live for the sauna, and they hang out in the sauna naked. Patrick and I have our very own sauna in our apartment, which I think is pretty freaking awesome. We tried it out Sunday night. That's when he told me how it is done here -- naked. Hey, no problem I thought. Then my mind jumped to a story Patrick told me about "the guys" hanging out in a sauna one time. I asked him, "so, when you hang out with the guys, I guess I'll just chill at home, right?" Patrick said, "No, you can hang out too."

My uptight American brain snapped. I started visualizing a coed naked sauna. I stressed out. First thought was "I need to shave!". Then I started wondering if I could do it. Could I just casually hang out naked with a bunch of people? Swimming naked is one thing, but I was comforted by the protection of water around my body. The more I thought about it, the more anxious I felt. I kept reminding myself "nudity is no big deal here. It is only a big deal in my mind." I decided that I could do it if we were in a big group with many ladies present. I thought I could hide in the crowd that way.

Well, the very next night, we were invited for dinner, drinks, and SAUNA! There were 6 guys and me. They were all really nice. Nothing about the sauna felt inappropriate, but I was frozen. There was no way in hell I was gonna hang out naked at Sausage Fest 2008.

That's when I started to wonder when I became so uptight. Well, whenever it happened, it apparently has happened. I do hope to break through this and embrace the coed sauna experience. But, I am going to take baby steps. It would be a little easier to transition into the coed thing if I had a group of girlfriends here. I could hang out with them and have someone to talk to. I mean, imagine that you have to go to a party. You don't know a soul there. It can be intimidating to meet new people and socialize with strangers. Now imagine you have to do that naked in a really hot room. Geez louise. When did I become such a prude?

What day is it anyway?

I'm hung over from drinking white russians last night. I blame my friend Sarah for my condition. She's a bad influence. So, watch out for her if you happen to meet her. She looks sweet and innocent, but she's a hellcat.