I have to preface this blog with a short note. I am doing an experiment with my friend Mambinki and other bloggers. We are all going to blog on previously chosen subjects as an exercise. You can read about the experiment here. It will be interesting to see how we all interpret the subjects. This week's subject is 'Aruguments'. Well, this immediately brings up a lot of stressful thoughts in me. So, be warned that this is a serious blog. I don't want to bum anyone out, so read only if you wish.
Arguments are source of learning and growing for me right now. As a child, I watched my parents fight very actively and loudly. I remember being tense and frightened by it all. This has translated into an adult who avoids confrontation at all costs. I adapt to most situations and people. I don't argue with or confront people. In the rare case I do argue with someone, I usually cry a lot b/c it is just so stressful and it is a big deal for me. But, normally I just keep my mouth shut. I am slowly learning the importance of standing up for myself and for others. One of the most important issues for me is building my sense of self and my self esteem. I adapt so much to others around me in order for them to like me and in order to keep arguing to a minimum. The problem with this tactic is that I have no real sense of my values. I stand upon a shifting foundation. I am easily manipulated and influenced, and I don't value my own opinion. I certainly don't think I need to thicken my ego and start yelling at people. But, I do need to build a solid foundation of values and stand upon it without fear. Fear drives too much of my life, and I hope that will change. Of course, I am trying to sort all of this out through meditation. My first goal is to understand that my perspective is valid and not to be afraid to share it with those who don't agree. Even writing that made me feel tense. Arguments. Fear. These are important tools in my life right now. I am grateful for them as tools for me to develop myself into a wiser person. Ultimately, I hope I would be able to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves b/c this issue is bigger than just me and my self esteem. I think about what I would have done in the times leading up to WWII. Would I have stood up for anyone? Sadly, I know the honest answer to this, and I am not comfortable living with that reality. And the wonderful thing about this life is our free will. I chose to work on this issue and to change so that my mistakes from the past won't be repeated in the future.