It Felt Love - Hafiz

It Felt Love

How

Did the rose

Ever open its heart

And give to this world

All its

Beauty?

It felt the encouragement of light

Against its

Being,

Otherwise,

We all remain

Too

Frightened.

When You Come - Maya Angelou

When you come to me, unbidden,
Beckoning me
To long-ago rooms,
Where memories lie.

Offering me, as to a child, an attic,
Gatherings of days too few.
Baubles of stolen kisses.
Trinkets of borrowed loves.
Trunks of secret words,

I CRY.

I'm apparently a very dense person.  You should believe someone's words and actions, right? I seem to ignore what is being said and hold onto hope that Patrick will change his mind and come back to me.  I'm not sure why I linger.  Do I fear moving on? Do I fear letting go? There's no safety net and I'm fearful of the fall.  I've lingered for 4 years trying to "make it work", but it hasn't; it doesn't; it won't.

What I needed from Patrick, he wasn't capable of giving me until after we'd broken up.  By then, he'd moved on physically but was still holding on to me emotionally.  We held on to each other.  I needed to process his moving on though.  I didn't do this fast enough for him.

My error was being too patient through the years, I guess. I felt I had time.  I supported him while he was sick. I waited for him, and and during that time he decided to try looking for someone new behind my back.  Then he was very mean to me in January and dumped me.  Didn't tell me he was dating someone new.  I found out the worst way possible - suddenly I couldn't view his profile on fb.  He hid things from me and that's how I found out he took a trip to LA with another girl.  This was the first time I knew he was even seeing someone.

I deserve better than this. I deserve more effort than this.  9 months later, they are done.  So, what do I do but look at him with hope in my eyes and my heart on my sleeve.  Of course, it's too soon for him.  He's mourning a relationship.

But, what the hell am I doing anyway? He's rejected me again and again, and I keep standing here expecting something different to happen.

It's sad b/c I think he and I could've worked very well together.  We did work well together.

I struggle to accept that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, and yet that's the reality.

Why don't I want more for myself?  That's one thing I don't understand.  I know, logically, that I deserve much better treatment, and yet I'm not allowing myself to move on and look for something better, something loving, something nurturing. 

Grasping and clinging to the past

I had a strange and very vivid dream about my childhood home. In the dream, I was visiting it with Patrick. The people who owned it tilled the land and made it into farm land. The backyard had become knee deep in swampy water. They did this on purpose b/c the land sloped so that the water would drain into a large ditch at the back of the yard. I walked around with Patrick and reminisced. I told him how my big brother would come up with all sorts of fun games to entertain us. My brother has an amazing and creative mind. We would rake the leaves into a trail and play tag. I pointed out a tree to Patrick that we tied a rope to a low branch. I explained to him that there would be a gap in the trail so that you would use the rope to jump across. Patrick was very impressed. This dream was so vivid and full of sadness. I cried a lot. I walked around mourned the fact that I'm no longer a kid. We all have to grow up and move on. But in my dream I was desperately sad about losing all of this. In the dream, the house was for sale, and Patrick was willing to buy it for us. I immediately felt better. I began playing with the idea of draining the backyard and recreating the lawn of my childhood.

But, no matter how strongly we wish it, we can't recreate the past. Nor should we strive to do so. The memories I have of my childhood are both good and bad, as is anyone's. I just wonder why that house is weighing so heavily on my mind right now. Perhaps it is because I am currently moving through the city of my ancestor's. Just last night I passed by a church in which an ancestor was baptized. I have thought of these ancestors quite a bit and wonder if we are sharing any views of the city. Perhaps they too stood on a Quai and admired Notre Dame. Or maybe they were busy living life and making ends meet to notice the city around them. Maybe being on my own is bringing my family closer to my heart. I'm not sure. But, that was a really vivid dream.

Dang!

We have seven days left in Finland before returning to the United States. Next Monday (December 15th), we fly away with no immediate plans of returning. I am excited to see my family (and the Sun) again. But, I'm also going to miss Finland. It has been a peaceful and productive visit. The Finnish people have been very generous and welcoming to me, and I will definitely miss living here.

The final countdown

We leave Tuscaloosa next Saturday. I'm dealing with mixed emotions of excitement, curiosity, sadness, and anxiety. I was born in raised in Baton Rouge, but I've spent half of my life in Tuscaloosa. I've made wonderful friends here. I've enjoyed the beautiful scenery and fell in love here (with Patrick as well as Yoga).

In June, we will travel from Louisiana to Michigan saying goodbye to friends and family. We also plan to do some camping and perhaps white water rafting in the Smokey Mountains. July 2nd we fly away to spend 5 and a half months in Finland. Who knows what that adventure will bring. I want to try out some Finnish Yoga as well as the Saunas. I have very few preconceptions about Finland, so I am interested to see what life is like there. And, how could a place with a festival honoring garlic be bad? I mean, come on!

While I look forward to what is coming, I remain grateful for my time here in Alabama. And to all of my friends here, I will miss you.

We have moved most of our stuff into a storage unit. It's the floor-life for us these days. We sit on the floor, eat with little trays on our laps, and sleep on a mattress on the floor. I'm in the office today to finish packing up my books and backing up my files. Next week, we will do the final packing and cleaning of the apartment. It's so weird to think about. But, there it is.


Oh, I saw Indiana Jones yesterday. I was entertained, but I think Iron Man was a better movie. :D